please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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