Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
