Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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