I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
