I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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