Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize