Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
