My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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