So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
