neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
