She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't put those talents on a resume
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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