I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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