just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
