You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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