rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
