After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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