awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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