I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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