My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
