sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
