hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I puked a lego.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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