my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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