I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dear god my vagina.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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