do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
