it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
