A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
