And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize