Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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