So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
