2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
