How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
