You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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