you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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