I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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