Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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