In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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