Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
