Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize