This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
