i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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