don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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