You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
