OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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