Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
