Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
