and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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