sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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