I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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