I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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