At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
