my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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