the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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