Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
