guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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