haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
