maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
