I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
