i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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