You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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