if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
