quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
