I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
