I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
